Posted by: susanideus | April 1, 2012

Pre-Dawn Reflections

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work. You don’t give up.
– Anne Lamott

4:45 AM–Harold shifts and squirms his way back to sleep after one of the “vampire visits” as the nocturnal blood draws are called around here. Hopefully he’ll get a bit more sleep before another round of vitals and meds. It’s been a LONG 6 weeks of life-changing, mind-blowing events. Sleep has been scarce and every bit he gets helps. I’ll be awake now but that’s OK as I was able to steal a couple of hours myself in this surprisingly comfortable purple recliner.

6 weeks since a seemingly mild stroke. Several weeks of steady recovery and then the second stroke, second hospitalization, struggle to find the right treatment and the best place for the care he needs. Had it all figured out–repair and rehab set in motion.

Then came Friday when our world changed. A diagnosis of CANCER as the root of all the problems. Unexpected by all of us, down to the head of his medical team. What started as a journey to repair a heart has morphed into a quest for more information and treatment protocols.

And the waiting… Friday diagnoses mean Monday tests at the earliest. A long night & day of no food & drink which makes my guy real grouchy on top of everything else. Once the biopsy is done 5-7 more days of waiting for results. We basically know what’s there, but not what kind (5 different kinds of thyroid cancer), what stage, or what the treatment will be. So much more unknown than certain.

In the meantime, stoke rehab continues so his body will be as strong as possible for the battles ahead of us.

And he sleeps on… And I reflect on uncertainty, fear, strength, endurance, courage, family, faith, life and love…always love…



  1. SO beautifully said, Sid love. Life as a journey, full of unexpected potholes! Just know you are loved, as is Harold, and watch the dawns bring new hope… one day at a time!

  2. Harold is sleeping and you are writing–that’s a picture of hope right there. I’ve never met you, but I love you both, as do so many others, and am with you in spirit and in hope.

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