Media sources worldwide are reporting as I write about the death of Osama Bin Laden at the hands of American Special Forces. What will it all mean?

Across the U.S., I see jubilant crowds, at the White House, at Ground Zero, waving flags,singing the National Anthem, and generally celebrating heartily. Certainly, in thinking back to 9-11 and those horrific and unforgettable images and unspeakable losses, there is ample reason to be grateful, even jubilant, that the world has been rid of a major terrorist and enemy of the United States. So much credit and admiration are due the troops who carried out the operation successfully and apparently with little collateral damage–and equal is due to all those who worked so tirelessly to track the tyrant down and bring him to justice. So celebration is warranted, but perhaps also, some caution would not be so out of place.

This “triumph” happened on President Obama’s watch and I admire him for giving his support to those who planned and carried out this operation. It took courage, knowing all the potential pitfalls and dangers. I resent those who are already turning this into a political issue. I saw no sign of triumph in the President’s demeanor, no smugness over having scored a personal victory. I saw a man burdened by the enormity of all that has been, and still is, at stake. He gave full acknowledgment to the troops involved in carrying out the actual attack and to the intelligence community who made it possible. And, let’s be clear–if this had been a failed operation, the blame would have been laid entirely on Mr. Obama’s shoulders. So no hypocrisy or double standards are acceptable to my mind.

Already the State Department has issued warnings that there could be retaliatory strikes of some sort, although as of this moment, official threat levels have not been raised. (Since I have a daughter traveling out of the country tomorrow, I am very concerned and watchful.)

Thus, right now, my main response is that while I cannot deny being thankful that Bin Laden himself is no longer a threat, I pray for peace in the wake of this very significant news. There are those who are not celebrating this news and we must not lose sight of that fact.

I ask that you join me in prayers for worldwide peace and a cessation of hostilities and/or retaliation, as well as prayers for all of our troops everywhere.

May God bless our country and keep it safe!

Are there certain authors who touch your soul, speak to your situation, resonate with something deep within you? For me, Anne Lamott is one such, especially in her series on spirituality. We have traveled different roads but we have searched for the same things. Honesty and authenticity and relevance.

Just show up, try to do the right thing–what I’m attempting to do to navigate out of a soul deep period of darkness. And, indeed, the dawn will be coming. To get out, though, I think I have to acknowledge the darkness and learn from it. I need to not berate myself for “losing” faith, but rather for accepting this a part of my spiritual journey.

…the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.  ~ Anne Lamott

It occurs to me that part of the process is an old nemesis of mine–patience. I didn’t get where I was overnight and I won’t find my way out overnight, no matter how much I wish it were so. I’m not a patient person. I had gotten to a place of paralysis and inaction, and now I should be patient? But I need to do just that. I need to be patient with the process–and patient with myself. Patience, as I understand it, is not inaction or lethargy, but an act of will.

Dictionary.com defines patience as: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay; a quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care. (Couldn’t they at least left off the even-tempered part?)

Anne Lamott said she once heard a preacher say “hope is a revolutionary patience.”  I don’t know that I’m doing anything revolutionary here, but I’m doing my best to seek hope and cling to it tightly. If I must be still, meditate, study, seeking hope and faith to wash over me in refreshing waves, then that is what I shall do, for as long as it takes. For too long I have been so busy being busy, I evidently out-ran the waves. Another favorite author says this:

I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable. ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Always the patience…

I plan to spend much time outside, surrounded by the beauty and serenity of nature, to reconnect with the rhythms of life–to rediscover a rhythm for my life. Too long have I filled my days with meaningless activity, trying to distract myself from the changes that are a natural part of being alive.

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

 We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.   Mother Teresa

Another thought for tonight and then it’s time to get some sleep–”see the stars”–it occurs to me that this is best done when it is quite dark. Hmmmm…

For I remember it is Easter morn, and life and love and peace are all new born.  ~Alice Freeman Palmer

New beginnings! An awakening world. An awakening soul and spirit. Hope. The message of Easter–a light in my heart.

The desert is finally coming alive. The lovely ocotillo are beginning to bloom, and green has at last returned to the earthy palette. We’ve had no measurable rain for months and the desert is a serious drought. As I have been. For months, my soul has been parched, my spirit dry. As with the desert around me, I have lacked the sustenance I need.

In my case, I’ve neglected to feed my soul and spirit. In my misguided attempts to be “busy” and “productive” in my new state of retirement, I’ve taken no time for personal contemplation, no devotional reading, no time alone–all of which are vital to my inner well-being. I somehow figured if I wasn’t “doing” something, I would not be earning my keep as a stay-at-home retiree. Ouch–where did that guilt come from? a life of being defined by what I did instead of who I am?? (Maybe another post here?)

Instead of being productive, I allowed myself to completely run out of energy, motivation and hope. I allowed doubt and fear and mind-numbing fatigue to creep in and take over. I found myself accomplishing nothing at all.

Now it’s Spring–Easter has come. I invite newness and resurrection and growth into my being–to refresh and rejuvenate and replace the scarcity with abundance, hope and faith.

Hope is the ability to hear the music of the future;  faith is the courage to dance to it today. ~ Kuzmic

I had a dear friend who, when days were dark and spirits low, was fond of quoting Dr. Tony Campolo: “It’s Friday but Sunday’s coming!”

I’ve felt that way of late. Down, but knowing that it wouldn’t last forever. Having a long-standing faith in a loving God has seen me through before, so I also know that “Sunday’s coming.”

Faith, like many worthwhile things, I believe, needs to be exercised to be strong. Mine has always been there, but sometimes I’ve been so weary and worn down, it’s seemed too hard to reach out and claim it. Fortunately, I have friends–you know who you are–who have always been there to pray on my behalf and love me back to action. So it has been recently.

Faith doesn’t mean that everything will always be good in life. That’s luck. Faith means you’ll always be connected no matter where life takes you.  (Spoken by Lu, a wise curandera in The Desert Pilgrim by Mary Swander)

There’s that idea of connection again, similar to the interwoven threads of a tapestry, as I mentioned in my last post. I am so grateful for those in my life who hold me up, walk with me on life’s journey, and love me no matter what. They surely will be represented by specially chosen jewel-like threads whenever I do finally see the finished tapestry. They are gems of inestimable value.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.  ~C.S. Lewis

A good friend asked me how I was doing on working my way out of the “funk” I wrote about in my last post. Slowly, my friend, but with more hope than I’ve had in a while.

I don’t know that I’ve come to a point of total acceptance about all that’s happened recently. In that most of it is in the past and cannot be changed, there is a sort of acceptance that is inevitable, right? Maybe it’s more the regret that needs to be addressed.

I’ve long believed that everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t always know the reason. Despite my belief, it’s a difficult concept for a recovering control freak like myself. I always want the whys AND the solutions. I’m a fixer.

Still, I am getting to the place where I know that holding on to the past, keeping a tight hold on regrets, and trying to maintain absolute control have not worked and that said practices are not healthy. It’s a process but I’m learning.

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

I don’t know what lies ahead. I do know that my whole life up until now has brought me to this place. Each twist and turn, each joy and heartache, each dream and yes, each failure–all are threads that make up the tapestry of my life. It won’t look like anyone else’s tapestry. It may not look like anything I envisioned long ago. Still, it is mine and it’s unique, as am I.

Destiny itself is like a wonderful wide tapestry in which every thread is guided by an unspeakably tender hand, placed beside another thread and held and carried by a hundred others. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I have good friends and loving family who go with me on this journey we call life and a God who has “an unspeakably tender hand”. Not a bad place to start out from. I know, despite everything, that I am blessed.

I have been living in the grip of fear, in fact, paralyzed by it. Not the acute terror of imminent danger or death, but nonetheless fear.

Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future. ~Fulton Oursler

The past few years have been tough ones, personally in terms of illness, financial woes, unemployment and so on–and the world at large has been in constant throes of wars and natural disasters.

I’ve never been fond of change and these years have really packed a wallop. So much has turned out differently than I had envisioned. Plans went awry. Some dreams were never realized; some may be gone for good.

Serious back surgery that left me with a still lingering muscular problem and resulting weeks of unpaid leave from work.  Followed not too much later by my husband’s unforseen extended unemployment. Finances crashed. Savings gone. My car repossessed. Nothing that could have been planned; nothing that, in the end, we could have prevented. Certainly nothing we would ever have imagined or dreamed would transpire in our life. Sometimes stuff  just happens. Month after month of stress and worry. Something needed to change.

It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear . . . . It’s like being between trapezes. It’s Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There’s nothing to hold on to.  ~Marilyn Ferguson

We made the decision to move back to New Mexico, something I’d wanted for a long time. We visited first, and hubby found a job we thought would be ideal. So good, in fact, that the decision was made for me to retire and go on Social Security. We moved in early June and life seemed good.

Scarcely three months passed when the job went sour. The ownership decided to sell the property in the next year or so, and their priorities changed. Minimum hours except for hubby on salary, no budget to work with, no support from management. Worse, the health insurance we’d counted on turned out to be prohibitively expensive with the changes in the workplace causing changes in coverage. So, for the first time in the 40 plus years we’ve been married, we are uninsured. Truly troubling.

Friends and family members have experienced some truly trying times. Illnesses, deaths, hard times that I know are all a part of living, but some days it just seems like so much to take in, doesn’t it?

I’m also exposed to a lot more news since I no longer work outside my home. Very rarely is the news good–or at least what is reported is not. From shootings to catastrophic storms to wars to earthquakes. I am concerned about what happens in the world and I do care what happens to my fellow humans, but the coverage has been so intense. It has affected me more than I realized.

So much change so quickly. So many plans and dreams wrecked on the shore of reality. I think I finally shut down. I felt defeated and worn down, searching in vain for the lessons life was trying to teach. I began to feel like a victim, a failure, a fraud.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.  ~ Unknown

So what to do? I can’t stop change, nor would I really want to. To not change is to not live.

To dare is to lose one’s footing momentarily.  To not dare is to lose oneself.  ~Soren Kierkegaard

Funks are not fun, nor are they funny. I’ve been so stunned by all that’s gone on in my life lately that I found myself unwilling to do anything that involves a risk. So, I ask myself, what in life that is worth doing does not involve risk? Hmmmm……

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live. ~Leo F. Buscaglia

I knew I had to make a conscious decision about whether I was going to stay in the funk or venture back out into life. I’ve mentioned that I seem to be experiencing life in sepia tones, devoid of color and just flat. There’s just too much to see in life for that to continue. I’m tired of monotones! I long for color and contrast and definition. I want to once again see beauty and to be grateful for the good and the wondrous there is all around me. Gratitude seems to have drained from my daily life as well. The desert around me is coming to life and I must as well.

Wait, I’m still in the same circumstances and the same crazy world. What makes me think I can make things different? Two of my favorite quotes point me in the right direction:

If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.  ~ Maya Angelou

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. ~Corrie Ten Boom

Perhaps it is that simple. Change the way I think. I’m the only one who has control over the way I respond to what happens to me. If I have allowed the circumstances of my present to steal away all my joy, the very color from my world, all of my gratitude and my contentment, then I must find a way to regain all of that. I feel like I’m fighting for my existence. Maybe I am. Since change comes hard for me, small steps to start…

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Consciously look for sources of joy and color and pleasure and peace and contentment–all of the things I’ve been missing. Shift my focus outward and bring a smile and small joys to others. (Maybe I’ve been indulging in self-pity as much as experiencing a funk. Hmmm…) Turn off the TV news! Begin once again to practice gratitude daily. It’s easy enough to say “I’m grateful I wasn’t in the tsunami” or “I’m grateful I don’t have the problems of…”, but that’s not it at all. I want to be truly grateful for my life and what’s in it, not in comparison to someone else’s circumstances. I need to be here and now, aware and awake.

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions – the little, soon forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look, a heart-felt compliment, and the countless infinitesimals of pleasurable and genial feeling.  ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

So it’s forward from here! Ban the funk! Back to living! Maybe along the way, if I’m observant and open, I’ll learn some lessons from all of this–the trials and travails, the craziness in the world, the funk itself, and the fight to get back. Oh yes, and I’ll keep writing.

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.  ~Roger Caras

Meet Sir Ryan MacDuff of Alvin, our resident Cairn Terror–uh, terrier. For some time now, I’ve meant to post this picture of my dog, Duffy, doing his best to thwart my writing efforts. (Not that he is the sole reason for my lack of posts recently.) Ever since I got this new little laptop, he revels in  plopping himself right on the keyboard. Several problems. He’s a horrid typist and even if he were not, I’ve yet to teach him to communicate in people speak, He does have quite an expressive language of his own, which while amusing, is something I’m utterly sure is best that I not understand literally.

Now I’m quite certain the little guy can read my thoughts. He is attuned to every mood, every nuance of my voice and knows instinctively how I feel. If I’m having a good day, he’s playful and often wants to take me for a walk. When I’m feeling poorly, he’s content to stay on the bed with me and can go the entire day without asking to go outside. Further, if he know I’m sick, he doesn’t leave my side. He most often is found curled up next to me–hip to hip is his preferred location. Or, if I’m in my recliner, curled up on the arm of the chair. Of course, if I’m otherwise occupied and he’s on his own, he has been been known to sneak to his forbidden place–my pillows! And of course, he gives me the sweetest, most innocent look when I find him there.

Dogs seem to have a way of keeping us honest too. On days when he “knows” I’m feeling OK, but still prefer to lounge in my chair, he calls me on it. It’s then I get THE LOOK–that haughty stare that demands attention and/or action.  Or when I get just a tad bit too absorbed in a book…

Hey, it’s me, your bestest friend here, and I need some of your time–a walk, a treat, a belly rub. Yo, look at me! Ignore me at your own peril!

He’s been known to nudge a book out of my hands. He’ll crawl right up on my chest and look directly into my eyes, daring me to disregard him, but always rewards me with a flurry of soft doggy kisses when I comply with his wishes.

No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich. ~Louis Sabin

My days, my life, have become fuller because of this little furry creature. I can’t imagine my life without him in it. He’s given me so much more than I can ever give him in return, but it doesn’t bother him at all. He’s always ecstatic when I return after even a short absence, making even a dull day brighter. He is the epitome of love enacted. I am blessed that he shares himself with me.

Dogs have given us their absolute all. We are the center of ther universe. We are the focus of their love and faith and trust. They serve us in return for scraps. It is without a doubt the best deal man has ever made. ~Roger Caras

This is a plea to all my sisters out there in cyberspace. Buy some purple ribbon as soon as possible.

I just read an article by poet and Tucson resident Mary Sojourner that touched me to my core.It spoke sense and calm to a troubled soul.

Ever since yesterday, I’ve been distraught and distracted by the senseless shooting in Tucson in which 6 persons were killed and Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was among those 14 others gravely injured. It shook me profoundly that these random acts of violence are becoming more commonplace and they are looked upon by the perpetrators as a justifiable way to call attention to a cause, as a way to right a wrong, real or imagined. Earlier this week, several persons were injured by mail bombs in Maryland. What, a letter listing grievances isn’t sufficient? Guess not.

That’s the point. The rhetoric has become so contentious and vicious that it is commonplace. The extreme has become the mundane. If someone shouts long enough and loud enough, they will be tuned out. Or worse, they will encourage others to shout with them. Shouting to be heard, shoving to get a place at the table–what is accomplished?

We’re not listening. We’re divided by opinion. Opinions on issues that were NEVER meant to be partisan. Does the child of a Republican deserve less to have health insurance than the child of a Democrat? Does a soldier from a red state deserve more support than one from a blue state? Do we ask the political bent of a homeless person before we help them? Preposterous, right? Some issues are human issues, quality of life issues, decency issues.

I’m not really trying to be simplistic here, but the last time I looked, we are all human beings, regardless of political party, belief system, religious philosophy, economic status, or sexual orientation. Of all of the animals on the planet, the human race is the one uniquely equipped with verbal communication.

Verbal, folks, as in talking. What has happened to reasonable discourse, polite conversation, and above all, listening and consideration of that heard?

I worry sometimes that we communicate so much by means other than face-to-face that we have lost the ability to discern intent and mood and innuendo. Cyber-speak can include emoticons but rarely are they used when it counts. It’s difficult sometimes to discern whether a Facebook post or a Tweet is merely sarcastic or deadly serious. And when something “goes viral”, do we always check the source and veracity before we further spread the word? Instant communication can be mesmerizing, can it not?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m online a lot. I love the positive aspects of Facebook–finding old friends, keeping up with the people in my life, and sharing ideas and thoughts I’m drawn to. Rarely is anything totally bad. But like all that is worthy of attention, sometimes moderation and just plain common sense are called for.

I know we’re all looking for answers in this crazy world. It’s been tough going for some years now and we don’t see much light at the end of the tunnel. We have legitimate concerns. There are many decent people out there trying to effect change–and there are also charlatans and charismatic figures and extremists making all kinds of promises and pledges that seem too good to be true. Both have followers and fellow believers. It’s hard to know what to believe when you’re desperate or jobless or discouraged or hungry or broke. But nothing will be solved or fixed or made better as long as the viciousness and name-calling and hate crimes continue. We’ll all end up cowering in corners or lashing out in the most horrible unspeakable ways. It has to stop. We have to stop it.

So, here’s the thing. Sojourner suggests we blend the reds and the blues into purple. We stop thinking in red and blue and we think in terms of humanity. That’s not so hard a concept, is it? To tone down the rhetoric and to begin to listen without the party and political filters in place–and to remember that the person across the aisle (or down the street) is as uniquely human as each of us is.

She wants us, sisters, to wear a purple ribbon, and to share purple ribbons with others. To share our commitment to measured, calm, sensible, studied communication. To listening. To hearing what is said. To working together as fellow human travellers on this troubled earth.

As is often the case, this may seem like a solitary endeavor. But what if we touch each touch just one other person, what if we change one mind, or at the very least, cause one person to really think about what is going on?

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow. ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Sojourner further suggested that we can use the same cyber system of communication to spread the word about purple. We can do this, sisters. Wear purple. Share purple. Think purple!

It is time again for women to take a lead and it is the same cyber-connections that can be put to vicious use that can spread the message. ~Mary Sojourner

(Purple ribbon image from:  http://safeshelter.net/2009/10/the-symbolism-of-the-purple-ribbon/ )

Earlier today, I published a post celebrating my daughter’s birthday. She’s always proudly shared her birthday, however, with an important holiday–Veterans’ Day, so named in a bill signed by President Eisenhower in 1954. It is celebrated on the date that marked the end of World War I.  In Canada, England and other Commonwealth countries, it’s known as Remembrance Day. By any name, it is a time to stop and ponder on the sacrifices, the courage and the service of veterans everywhere. It is a day to honor the memory of those who have passed on and to honor the commitment of those who serve still. Regardless of the war, police action or skirmish in which they served/are serving, these soldiers command our esteem and our gratitude–whether we agree with the politics or not. Never again should a soldier come home to America to be reviled and spat upon as was my husband and many other Vietnam era vets. Those brave boys did not start the war, nor did many of them even endorse it, but they did their duty. They, and all others, who serve their country deserve honor and respect. Theirs is a debt which can never ever be repaid.

Never has there been a good war or a bad peace. ~ Benjamin Franklin

Three of the most influential men in my life have served in the military–my father, my husband and my father-in-law. To say I am proud of them is not enough by half. I have brothers-in-law and cousins who served, uncles and friends as well. I know young men today just as committed and brave. God bless them–heroes all. (From left to right: Calvin Daniel Myers, Harold Warren Ideus, Warren Lewis Ideus.)

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.  ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

On this day, veterans and soldiers are honored in special ceremonies, parades, speeches and the like. But their service and their sacrifice go on always. Let’s never forget that. Keep all those in harm’s way in your prayers–as well as their families and loved ones, who share the burden of sacrifice. For those that have passed on, keep their memories and stories alive so that we never ever forget.

In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.  ~José Narosky

Freedom is never free.  ~Author Unknown

(Many thanks to my daughter Becca for the scanned images of our family heroes.)

Today is my younger daughter’s birthday–and I received the best gift of all–thirty years of Johanna LaNell Ideus blessing my life! What a genuine pleasure and privilege to watch her grow and mature into the lovely young woman she is today.

Johanna was such a sunny funny little girl. When she learned to laugh, we–her dad and sister and I–would just stand there and listen with glee to that baby belly laugh that was absolutely contagious. And she laughed a lot! Of course, she didn’t talk. I despaired that she ever would. She had a big sister that understood every sound, every uttering that came out of her mouth. Becca was able to get her whatever she “asked” for, so I guess she didn’t feel the need to actually talk. Of course, there also came a day when we thought she’d never stop talking–hehehehehehe!

Johanna came into our lives as an absolutely delightful total surprise, several years after I’d been told by doctors that there would be no more babies. Her big sister was delighted–at least at first. She was never really jealous, but she did get downright irritated sometimes. Like the time Jo came down with chicken pox at about eighteen months, a very light case with maybe 2 or 3 spots, but she gifted big sis with a whopper of a case–head to toe, even in her little ears. That was probably the first time Becca vocalized her despair at having a little sister. Then there was the pest factor. When you’re turning into a teen and have a 5-year old sister that follows you everywhere, well, enough said, right? Both being strong-minded young girls, there were arguments and discussions and fights and arguments…but let an outsider try to impugn one or the other, and they were a solid unit, standing against the world. Deep down, I knew they’d be OK, but believe me when I say there were many days in those middle years when I wondered if they’d ever really be friends. But friends they are–best friends! They are inseparable, even when they are miles apart. I love seeing them together and hearing them together, and I love sharing in their fun. They take me to a lighter side of life and keep me young! Theirs is a beautiful relationship.

Johanna is a good friend. It’s one of the qualities I admire so much in her. She’s loving and caring and generous, she sees the best in people–and inspires the same in others. I’m so proud of all she’s attempted and accomplished in her life, and I know that she will continue to achieve and grow. It’s a privilege to be a part of her life.
Whether we’re cooking together, shopping, driving across Texas on an all-night road trip, discussing a new book, or just relaxing together watching a chick flick, she brings me great joy. I have only to close my eyes and see that giggling happy baby–thanks for the memories Jo!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!!!!

Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother.  A child is a child.  They get bigger, older, but grown?  What’s that suppose to mean?  In my heart it don’t mean a thing.  ~Toni Morrison, Beloved, 1987